Ask Lynn: Which Guy Should She Pick?

By Lynn Harris

 

Dear Lynn,

I am in the biggest dilemma ever. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3½ years about three months ago. Although I loved Steve like no other before, he was emotionally abusive. I loved him anyway because I knew he was just taking his anger out on me.

A couple of days after breaking up with him, I unexpectedly met an awesome guy, Mark, even though I wasn't looking to "meet" anyone. It wasn't love at first sight, but by the second or third time we went out, I could see myself loving him. I should have cut it off completely with Steve and given Mark a true chance, but Steve was so crushed.

My breaking up with Steve made him see how much I meant to him. He says he'll do anything to make it right, even counseling. Mark on the other hand has never hurt me and is the sweetest person, but Steve is so funny and smart. I am so confused and can't decide between them.

Can you love two people? Right now, I've asked them to give me some time alone. They are both contacting me anyway all the time. Help me decide, please! 

— Torn-up Tanya

 

Dear Torn-up Tanya,

Dilemma! Pick Steve, and are you giving him the chance he deserves … or setting yourself up for more of the same? Pick Mark, and are you moving on to a healthy relationship … or banking everything on what might just be a rebound? Either way, you're probably concerned that if things don't work out, you may have killed your chances with anyone unwilling to wait in the wings.

Here, at least, is some good news: There's a lot here that you've done right. You were correct to recognize — and this isn't easy! — that Steve's emotional abuse was about him, not about you. You were also correct to take a breather from both of them so that you can think. (It wouldn't hurt, though, to ask both of them nicely to leave you alone while you do.)

Now here's what you don't want to hear: I can't tell you which one to choose. But I can offer you the following questions to ask yourself:

1. Who am I happier with in the moment? Don't worry about the long-term. Who makes you feel great — not just flattered and desired, but deeply great and comfortable and happy — when you are actually with him?
2. Can I live with myself if I don't give Steve one more chance? If you don't at least see what happens when — not if — Steve goes into counseling, do you feel that you may always be plagued by wondering what might have been? Just keep in mind that you need to be strong enough to bail if he balks at counseling or if things don't change … though change may not come overnight. You have to be willing to leave — again — even if Mark is not waiting outside with the motor running.
3. Do I love Mark for who he is? Or because he's not Steve? Would you love him as much if Steve hadn't been abusive? Did you fall for him (at least in part) because he is — simply, consistently — sweet? (Note: Sweet is good, of course. I'm just saying it should be a given, not a plus.)
4. Who passes the Porch Test? This is a little quiz I like to give to help folks get their feelings straight, especially at times like these when emotions are whipped into a froth. Which of the two can you picture yourself with, well into your nineties, sitting on the porch in rocking chairs, holding hands and feeling utterly at peace?
5. Maybe neither? There's almost no way you can judge either of these guys on their own merits. There's almost no way you can give either of them the room he needs in your mind or heart. You are, if you think about it, still someone recovering from an abusive relationship. You seem to be recovering fine, and that's no small thing. But perhaps neither of these guys is The One. Recognize that perhaps stepping away from "the decision" could be the right move.

 

 

Tanya, if you really will yourself to give it enough time (and again, this means asking them to back off a bit!), you will be able to see your needs and your true desires so much more clearly. And you will be able to step into your next relationship — whether it's with Steve, Mark, or Mr. TBA! — from a much healthier and steadier place.


Lynn Harris is co-creator, with Chris Kalb, of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net — you can visit BG's blog to discuss this letter! She is also the author of the new comic novel Death By Chick Lit. A journalist and essayist, Lynn also writes about gender, dating, and culture high and low for Salon, Glamour, The New York Times, and others. In her spare time, she enjoys being married. Submit your own dating questions for Lynn at BreakupGirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.